Come Fly with Me, into a Fantasy

I don't want to write this. Writing this makes it real.

A week ago one of our cats went missing. And I'm angry.
I'm angry that it took us all so long to notice.
I'm angry that the weather has been god awfully hot and humid.
I'm angry that we live in the country.
I'm angry that we couldn't do more.
I'm angry because this was not how it was supposed to go.

Growing up on a rural farm, you learn very quickly that the life of a barn cat or outdoor pet is a risky one. Between coyotes, fishers, other stray cats, trucks, etc there are dangers every day. We've lost pets to every one of these factors. Sometimes you find them, sometimes you don't. It sucks, it's nature.

Chaos came to us as the tiniest of black kittens in the summer of 2005. My sister got him while in college, but between work and school, couldn't house him in her apartment. I was on summer holidays, nose in the latest Harry Potter book (Half-Blood Prince), and thus my days turned into kitten-sitter - not that I was complaining. Spending my summer sitting in our porch reading and playing with a kitten, there were worse things in life. Sure, my book received a few scars from kitten teeth and claws, but the little gremlin was aspiring for bigger and better things.

What a little derpy gremlin

He integrated himself comfortably with our other cats... much to their chagrin.
Quickly, he started to live up to his name: chaos followed wherever this cat went. The majority of his adolescence was spent terrorizing our other pets. Pouncing on our big ginger cat's head and gnawing on an ear until he was sat upon. Trying to do the same to our Russian Blue, just to get a fist full of claws to the face, not that it stopped him from trying again the next day. Chaos was ruthless and pounced on anything that moved.

The Jack-Ass years

The day the sprinkler came out was the best day ever. As we found him soaking wet hours later.
Maybe he was spoiled as a youth, the other two cats - Wendat & Moses - would fight off the other stray cats and raccoons. They steered him away from going near the road or too far into the forest. Not that he listened, Chaos liked to live on the side of danger and stupidity.
Getting literally hit by a car in 2008 finally forced some sense into him. The incident definitely took one of his nine lives and he had a concussion for days. Other than being completely out of it with some bruises, he some how survived with minor damage. After that, Chaos didn't go near the road anymore.
2010 brought one of the most dramatic times of Chaos' life. A new dominant stray moved in (Merlin), and not long after, brought his girlfriend(Tabitha). They moved in, whether our cats liked it or not. As much as Chaos hated the big guy, he was smitten with Tabitha. Suddenly he had a playmate as spunky and tricky as himself. It was at this point that Wendat and Moses seemed to realize they were getting pounced on less and shrugged off the new additions. And suddenly we were feeding 5 cats every morning. It was the glory days.

It was love at first fight

 But everything comes to the end. In this case as fast as it started.  Merlin was hit by a car, we took Tabitha to the vet to be spayed and she gave premature birth to a kitten no one knew about, the kitten died, Tabitha got depressed, Wendat disappeared and Tabitha soon after. [Our dog also passed away during this time].
We went from five cats to two in the span of a few months. Moses and Chaos remained. Everything had shifted. Chaos suddenly wasn't as much of a brat, and Moses wouldn't hiss at him as much. We'd often find them curled up together sleeping.

We adopted two new kittens as playmates but after one too many attempted fights to the death we had to separate them permanently from Chaos & Moses.
Then for a final blow, a few months later, Moses succumbed to years of health problems and we had to act quickly. Chaos was alone.
Whoever says animals don't grieve is a goddamn liar.
Chaos fell into a depression. He spent most of his time sleeping on the pillows they had shared, he'd sit in the middle of our drive way at night, staring out into the dusk....waiting. Sure, he'd have moments where he'd play in the grass or pounce on some leaves, but just as quickly would stop and sulk away.
Over time, his livelihood came back. He and the twins started a game of teasing and taunting each other through the window. He started to play with us again, a bounce returned to his step. We joked that he was like our own Toothless Dragon - our own little Night Fury. His mischievous glint returned to his eye, but with a wiser more grounded attitude.

The Night Fury cometh

That being said, at this time he also developed severe seasonal asthma, onset by hot and humid days mostly. We were able to monitor it, but in the summer a few jaunts around the yard would send him heaving into the shade. Though his mental energy was back, his body had other ideas.
We've learned over the years how to maintain it for him with medicine, but the second a day over 25 degrees would hit, he'd be down until the heat broke.
It was also at this time we realized how much he did not learn from his elders, especially when it came to acting like a cat. Specifically: defense. Our vet started to expect regular phone calls from us with Chaos coming in with various wounds from strays, raccoons, and yes, even a squirrel. Chaos had 0% fight or flight response. He had the ostrich-in-the-sand approach. His defense handbook would read: Danger? Make ones body as flush with the ground as possible, close your eyes, pray to cat-God.
The only thing he learned from the traumas in his life is that straying too far from the house meant bad things. He knew his boundaries and he was very good at staying within them.

So, why am I angry?
I'm angry because Chaos was the most needy, obnoxious cat in the world, who would sit outside of the door staring at you while he put his claws in the screen and pull back to make the door bang so you'd pay attention to him.
How did we not notice he hadn't been around?

I'm angry because this week has been the hottest and most humid week this summer and he can't last a day let alone a week without his medication in this weather.

I'm angry that I can't just put up 'missing cat' posters and actually have some hope that a friendly neighbour could scoop him up. Our property alone has three fields surrounding it and it would take days for him to even make it to the closest house.

I'm angry that each of us have spent every day walking our property hoping to see a tuft of black fur peeking from the ferns or under a tree or in the tall grasses. I hate that knowing calling his name is fruitless effort.

I'm angry, because after the life he had to endure that we don't know if he got to go peacefully and we couldn't say goodbye.

So, my Chaos, my Little Night Fury,
I want to say you'll come home,
but I know better than that,
so say say hello to the rest of the gang for me
then go terrorize the hell out of them.
I hope you can finally breathe clearly.
We miss you.

Chaos 'Night Fury' Hawke   2005-2015

"There were dragons when I was a boy...You will have to take my word for it, for the dragons are disappearing so fast they may soon become extinct.
Nobody knows what is happening. They are crawling back into the sea from whence they came, leaving not a bone, not a fang, in the earth for the men of the future to remember them by.
So, in ordr that these amazing creatures should not be forgotten, I will tell this true story from my childhood."                -How to Train Your Dragon, Cressida Cowell
 

February 2015: Reconnecting & Rebuilding

Time and time again this month, I felt there were three themes that kept popping up for me in a variety of situations: Reconnection, reflection, & rebuilding.

Whether by coincidence or fate or whathave you, in the last 28 days I found myself reconnecting with friends and loved ones whom I’ve lost touch with, have grown apart from, or simply just missed chances of contacting. In recent years I have built a loving supportive community around myself, but find it hard keeping up with more than a few people at a time. I now consider myself extremely lucky and fortunate that – by one means or another – people from my past have stumbled across my path again, each as new people. I’ve grown as a person and so have they, but that offers new opportunities to learn and grow. We've matured and in understanding ourselves better now are able to talk openly with one another. These relationships are not just recycling past versions of ourselves, but discovering who we are today. It has felt healthy to reconnect with my past without feeling like I’m reverting back to someone I no longer am.

Regardless, this time of year gets me nostalgic due to my involvement in the Annual International Women’s Day Art Show. After being a member of the committee for the last 4 years, I’ve reached a rhythm and camaraderie with the artists who enter in the show. There is always an adrenaline rush of energy during our week of installation for the exhibit, but the lack-of-sleep is always so rewarding when you see every artist’s reaction during the opening reception. Though the means are the same every year, there is no way to predict reactions. This year’s theme for the show is “eye to eye” which I found brought me back to the basics in finding personal connection with others, and seeing myself reflected in them. Finding that balance with others in finding understanding in one another.

To further continue my life reflections, I was brought back to my roots - in an unexpected way - through a short film a classmate and I produced this month which so happened to involve a large dance component. Though I was behind the camera for this project, the pre-production research had me revisiting my dance roots and the inspirations that made me love the art so much. When it came to the actual production shoot, there was a huge wave of nostalgia that hit me as soon as we were in the dance studio. There is a smell and an atmosphere that can’t be replicated. Finding that connection with the music again through movement reminded me why I loved it for so many years. 

To close out the month I had the opportunity to go down to Rainbow Health Ontario, an organization specifically focused on LGBTQ health, for a potential film project regarding Bisexual health. Though I can't elaborate more at this time, the short experience helped me find peace again with who I am and this journey I've embarked on in the last four years. 

As February comes to a close, it is an end to a month of reflection and reconnection, but the beginning of a new month which brings with it new goals to strive towards. Maybe it’s just the infinte number of hours I’ve sat reviewing our short film titled “The End is the Beginning” but I’m really feeling this cyclical notion that is life. When one thing ends, it opens doors for another to begin. But also that doesn’t mean we can’t revisit things from the past. 

I am rebuilding relationships, I am refocusing my goals, and I’m reconnecting with my self.