The In Between

I've noticed I've had basically the exact same conversation with people in all different parts of my life in the last few months. It goes a little something like this:

Person X: How's school?
Me: Oh you know, a little stressful, haha.
Person X: How much longer?
Me: Just a few more weeks, lots to do in that time though.
Person X: Right, but then you'll be done!
Me: Yeah, yeah
*pregnant pause*
Person X: *leans in* But you'll be, like, done done, right?

This part always reminds me of in sixth grade when your friend is asking you if you have a crush on someone. Sure, you may like them..... but do you like like them?? It's always in a hushed tone with glances in every directions as their eyes bug out on the emphasis of implication. When I give a slight nod, it's like a mini-wave of celebration commences where we both just kind of awkwardly cheer.

And then comes the part that is dreaded by every single graduating student since universities were ever founded:

Person X: So, what's next for you?

 It's cliche. Everyone hates it. And yet it pops up over and over and over. It's never with mal intent, as they are genuinely curious, but it is such a loaded question that is hard to give a simple answer.
Thus I never know what to say to this. As the conversation has popped up more and more I've tried out a few different responses:

Me: Just working for now. Happy to have a steady job.
Person X: Oh well don't work yourself too hard. You deserve some time off!

Me: I was thinking of taking some time off.
Person X: Well you best be looking out for your future! Jobs are scarce, get them while you can!

Me: I have a 5 year plan mapped out and scheduled down exactly what apartment I'll be living in and the breed of cat I'll have in 3.5 years.
Person X: Live a little! You don't have to know what you want now.

Me: I have no idea what's next.
Person X: If you've got a steady job you have time to figure it out.

Okay, so I may have exaggerated a bit, but you get the idea? It's hard to answer truthfully without making a cynical remark. They are just looking for an answer that will satisfy them, it doesn't matter what internal crisis I may or may not be having. The conversation, however it pans out usually ends with:

Person X: Oh, that's just so exciting for you!
Me (internally):

 In actuality, I'm not immediately panicking about any of that future stuff. I am very privileged to have a job right now. I have worked my ass off to be where I am both with school and my career but I'm not going to put all my cards into one thing: work, travel, career, vacation. I've gone through that existential crisis the first time I went through this process and I am much more at peace with not knowing what the next four, six, eight months will bring.

Where I am finding my struggle is feeling that wave of relief and celebration that everyone else seems to exhibit when I tell them I'm finishing school.

I'm stuck in the In Between.

My classes are finished, projects submitted, exams are done. Final marks are starting to trickle in. Convocation is a month away. I can't justify celebration for myself yet. I don't think I'll be able to until the diploma is in my hand and I'm running out the doors. Maybe even then I won't feel it.

I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. Something I've forgotten. Something the school undoubtedly missed. Even if that happens, I don't even think I'd be surprised?
I left college with a sense of finality. It was a very different experience but there was a definitive End. Here and now I'm the fish at the end of Finding Nemo.

I'm waiting. For what I don't know. But I feel stuck, like there's an invisible force stopping me from moving forward. This puzzle I can't quite solve.

Any maybe that's what my existential crisis is this time. Not that the future seems so unbelievably large and intimidating, but that I'm letting go of something that has been with me for close to 20 years of my life. School and education, as mind-numbingly infuriating and stressful as those years were, have been a place of comfort and familiarity. I've ventured out into the 'real world' and am excited to do so again but first must go through the In Between of a past to a future.

Come Fly with Me, into a Fantasy

I don't want to write this. Writing this makes it real.

A week ago one of our cats went missing. And I'm angry.
I'm angry that it took us all so long to notice.
I'm angry that the weather has been god awfully hot and humid.
I'm angry that we live in the country.
I'm angry that we couldn't do more.
I'm angry because this was not how it was supposed to go.

Growing up on a rural farm, you learn very quickly that the life of a barn cat or outdoor pet is a risky one. Between coyotes, fishers, other stray cats, trucks, etc there are dangers every day. We've lost pets to every one of these factors. Sometimes you find them, sometimes you don't. It sucks, it's nature.

Chaos came to us as the tiniest of black kittens in the summer of 2005. My sister got him while in college, but between work and school, couldn't house him in her apartment. I was on summer holidays, nose in the latest Harry Potter book (Half-Blood Prince), and thus my days turned into kitten-sitter - not that I was complaining. Spending my summer sitting in our porch reading and playing with a kitten, there were worse things in life. Sure, my book received a few scars from kitten teeth and claws, but the little gremlin was aspiring for bigger and better things.

What a little derpy gremlin

He integrated himself comfortably with our other cats... much to their chagrin.
Quickly, he started to live up to his name: chaos followed wherever this cat went. The majority of his adolescence was spent terrorizing our other pets. Pouncing on our big ginger cat's head and gnawing on an ear until he was sat upon. Trying to do the same to our Russian Blue, just to get a fist full of claws to the face, not that it stopped him from trying again the next day. Chaos was ruthless and pounced on anything that moved.

The Jack-Ass years

The day the sprinkler came out was the best day ever. As we found him soaking wet hours later.
Maybe he was spoiled as a youth, the other two cats - Wendat & Moses - would fight off the other stray cats and raccoons. They steered him away from going near the road or too far into the forest. Not that he listened, Chaos liked to live on the side of danger and stupidity.
Getting literally hit by a car in 2008 finally forced some sense into him. The incident definitely took one of his nine lives and he had a concussion for days. Other than being completely out of it with some bruises, he some how survived with minor damage. After that, Chaos didn't go near the road anymore.
2010 brought one of the most dramatic times of Chaos' life. A new dominant stray moved in (Merlin), and not long after, brought his girlfriend(Tabitha). They moved in, whether our cats liked it or not. As much as Chaos hated the big guy, he was smitten with Tabitha. Suddenly he had a playmate as spunky and tricky as himself. It was at this point that Wendat and Moses seemed to realize they were getting pounced on less and shrugged off the new additions. And suddenly we were feeding 5 cats every morning. It was the glory days.

It was love at first fight

 But everything comes to the end. In this case as fast as it started.  Merlin was hit by a car, we took Tabitha to the vet to be spayed and she gave premature birth to a kitten no one knew about, the kitten died, Tabitha got depressed, Wendat disappeared and Tabitha soon after. [Our dog also passed away during this time].
We went from five cats to two in the span of a few months. Moses and Chaos remained. Everything had shifted. Chaos suddenly wasn't as much of a brat, and Moses wouldn't hiss at him as much. We'd often find them curled up together sleeping.

We adopted two new kittens as playmates but after one too many attempted fights to the death we had to separate them permanently from Chaos & Moses.
Then for a final blow, a few months later, Moses succumbed to years of health problems and we had to act quickly. Chaos was alone.
Whoever says animals don't grieve is a goddamn liar.
Chaos fell into a depression. He spent most of his time sleeping on the pillows they had shared, he'd sit in the middle of our drive way at night, staring out into the dusk....waiting. Sure, he'd have moments where he'd play in the grass or pounce on some leaves, but just as quickly would stop and sulk away.
Over time, his livelihood came back. He and the twins started a game of teasing and taunting each other through the window. He started to play with us again, a bounce returned to his step. We joked that he was like our own Toothless Dragon - our own little Night Fury. His mischievous glint returned to his eye, but with a wiser more grounded attitude.

The Night Fury cometh

That being said, at this time he also developed severe seasonal asthma, onset by hot and humid days mostly. We were able to monitor it, but in the summer a few jaunts around the yard would send him heaving into the shade. Though his mental energy was back, his body had other ideas.
We've learned over the years how to maintain it for him with medicine, but the second a day over 25 degrees would hit, he'd be down until the heat broke.
It was also at this time we realized how much he did not learn from his elders, especially when it came to acting like a cat. Specifically: defense. Our vet started to expect regular phone calls from us with Chaos coming in with various wounds from strays, raccoons, and yes, even a squirrel. Chaos had 0% fight or flight response. He had the ostrich-in-the-sand approach. His defense handbook would read: Danger? Make ones body as flush with the ground as possible, close your eyes, pray to cat-God.
The only thing he learned from the traumas in his life is that straying too far from the house meant bad things. He knew his boundaries and he was very good at staying within them.

So, why am I angry?
I'm angry because Chaos was the most needy, obnoxious cat in the world, who would sit outside of the door staring at you while he put his claws in the screen and pull back to make the door bang so you'd pay attention to him.
How did we not notice he hadn't been around?

I'm angry because this week has been the hottest and most humid week this summer and he can't last a day let alone a week without his medication in this weather.

I'm angry that I can't just put up 'missing cat' posters and actually have some hope that a friendly neighbour could scoop him up. Our property alone has three fields surrounding it and it would take days for him to even make it to the closest house.

I'm angry that each of us have spent every day walking our property hoping to see a tuft of black fur peeking from the ferns or under a tree or in the tall grasses. I hate that knowing calling his name is fruitless effort.

I'm angry, because after the life he had to endure that we don't know if he got to go peacefully and we couldn't say goodbye.

So, my Chaos, my Little Night Fury,
I want to say you'll come home,
but I know better than that,
so say say hello to the rest of the gang for me
then go terrorize the hell out of them.
I hope you can finally breathe clearly.
We miss you.

Chaos 'Night Fury' Hawke   2005-2015

"There were dragons when I was a boy...You will have to take my word for it, for the dragons are disappearing so fast they may soon become extinct.
Nobody knows what is happening. They are crawling back into the sea from whence they came, leaving not a bone, not a fang, in the earth for the men of the future to remember them by.
So, in ordr that these amazing creatures should not be forgotten, I will tell this true story from my childhood."                -How to Train Your Dragon, Cressida Cowell
 

February 2015: Reconnecting & Rebuilding

Time and time again this month, I felt there were three themes that kept popping up for me in a variety of situations: Reconnection, reflection, & rebuilding.

Whether by coincidence or fate or whathave you, in the last 28 days I found myself reconnecting with friends and loved ones whom I’ve lost touch with, have grown apart from, or simply just missed chances of contacting. In recent years I have built a loving supportive community around myself, but find it hard keeping up with more than a few people at a time. I now consider myself extremely lucky and fortunate that – by one means or another – people from my past have stumbled across my path again, each as new people. I’ve grown as a person and so have they, but that offers new opportunities to learn and grow. We've matured and in understanding ourselves better now are able to talk openly with one another. These relationships are not just recycling past versions of ourselves, but discovering who we are today. It has felt healthy to reconnect with my past without feeling like I’m reverting back to someone I no longer am.

Regardless, this time of year gets me nostalgic due to my involvement in the Annual International Women’s Day Art Show. After being a member of the committee for the last 4 years, I’ve reached a rhythm and camaraderie with the artists who enter in the show. There is always an adrenaline rush of energy during our week of installation for the exhibit, but the lack-of-sleep is always so rewarding when you see every artist’s reaction during the opening reception. Though the means are the same every year, there is no way to predict reactions. This year’s theme for the show is “eye to eye” which I found brought me back to the basics in finding personal connection with others, and seeing myself reflected in them. Finding that balance with others in finding understanding in one another.

To further continue my life reflections, I was brought back to my roots - in an unexpected way - through a short film a classmate and I produced this month which so happened to involve a large dance component. Though I was behind the camera for this project, the pre-production research had me revisiting my dance roots and the inspirations that made me love the art so much. When it came to the actual production shoot, there was a huge wave of nostalgia that hit me as soon as we were in the dance studio. There is a smell and an atmosphere that can’t be replicated. Finding that connection with the music again through movement reminded me why I loved it for so many years. 

To close out the month I had the opportunity to go down to Rainbow Health Ontario, an organization specifically focused on LGBTQ health, for a potential film project regarding Bisexual health. Though I can't elaborate more at this time, the short experience helped me find peace again with who I am and this journey I've embarked on in the last four years. 

As February comes to a close, it is an end to a month of reflection and reconnection, but the beginning of a new month which brings with it new goals to strive towards. Maybe it’s just the infinte number of hours I’ve sat reviewing our short film titled “The End is the Beginning” but I’m really feeling this cyclical notion that is life. When one thing ends, it opens doors for another to begin. But also that doesn’t mean we can’t revisit things from the past. 

I am rebuilding relationships, I am refocusing my goals, and I’m reconnecting with my self.

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I don't know about you, but I like the Internet.

I mean, I'm sort of going to assume you do too, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. But the point is that you have the option to read this. The Internet allows its users the access to an almost infinite number of possibilities for information in any number of mediums.
From cat videos to the latest scientific discoveries, from flash games to experimental creations on the other side of the globe, from connecting with friends to connecting with idols - the Internet offers a lot of inspiration and innovations.

The Internet has grown from a simple means of communication and file sharing for government operatives, to an organic fair use space for all who can access it.

And it would really suck if it were to just...stop.

More and more, governments are seeking to control the Internet, with geographic firewalls, restricted access, and forced shut down of websites. This is happening already, but where governments are lacking is the understanding that the Internet is global. It is beyond boarders and try as they might, it's near impossible to stop the transfer of information.

And so a new tactic must be taken, if the Internet can't be governed, can it be bought? You may have noticed that earlier this year, your Netflix started being a whole lot slower - that's not a coincidence. Comcast told Netflix it had to pay more to continue having fast bandwidth, creating a two-tiered system. This idea is sparking across various Internet Provider Services and is heading towards the U.S. Federal Communications Commission (FCC).
Watch this video by Youtuber Hank Green to help breakdown what this all means:

Now, for those of us outside of the United States, may be thinking "But that's not our problem, we're not regulated by the FCC."
True, but remember: The Internet is not limited by boarders. And while that has worked in our favour in the past, it's now going to be used against us. A lot of the media we consume comes from the States and we will be suffering the same problems.
Net Neutrality is a concern for everyone - online companies and users alike will suffer from the removal of a level playing field.
Back in June, host John Oliver explained how vast and direly important this threat is for all of us:

He summed it up quite nicely:
"If you want to do something evil, put it inside something boring"

It's easy to turn a blind eye when something doesn't seem to be effecting you directly, but if you ignore this and then start noticing the spinning wheel of death at every turn and wonder why your favourite cat video won't load, complaining won't help.

So what CAN we do?
Do what the Internet does best: spread knowledge.
Share this information with your friends, sign petitions and stand up for the fight for the Internet.
Today, September 10th, is The Internet Slowdown - where online companies and users show solidarity for Net Neutrality.
Learn more, sign petitions, and get involved at the following links:

https://www.battleforthenet.com/sept10th/
https://www.battleforthenet.com/

https://www.tumblr.com/stop
http://www.videocreatorsfornetneutrality.org/
http://www.savetheinternet.com/sti-home
https://www.publicknowledge.org/

Don't let the Internet become one giant spinning wheel of death.

What does it mean to 'Make-Up'?

I made a post earlier today that was originally going to be the introduction to THIS blog post but I got on a role and it turned into a full blown bit of poetry stream of consciousness.

If you're interested, To Make up or to Make down? That is the question...

There has been a rising trend lately in pop culture of the anti-make-up campaigns. Women taking a stand against the pressures of companies and society to be a specimen of perfection. Women are breaking down the boxes of perceived beauty and taking a stand for self-love and confidence.
This can be seen most recently in the new viral music video for Colbie Caillat's song "Try"

In the video, Caillat and a series of women of all ages, sizes and backgrounds proudly shed their make up, freeing them to a natural beauty. Her message exposes many of the reasons that women wear make up:

"So they like you" 

We are told time and time again that this mascara will make our eyes pop, or that this eyeliner will make you sexier, this foundation with brighten your skin, this blush will bring colour back to your face...because we must always be our most desirable. We are specimens to be looked at and should be appeasing to look at in order to have self worth.

It is expositions like this that are turning heads and making us think about society's perception of beauty.

A similar argument was made critiquing the fashion and advertising industries' obsession with photoshop, also in a music video, earlier this year by Hungarian singer Boggie in which she is transformed via photoshop into a 'glamourous pop star' 

 Now that the box has been opened, more and more stories like this are popping up around the world. Like Dorothy and the Wizard, women are exposing the tricksters behind the veil in hopes that others will follow and be proud of themselves beyond advertisements in magazines.

At the same time, this is not to necessarily critique the existence of make up products themselves. Make up can be awesome and amazing. Search almost any make up tutorial on youtube and you can be blown away by the talent and creations people can do. As much as make up can be a security blanket to hid behind or to feel the need to put on for others, it can also be empowering and create confidence in onesself. A great reflection of this was brought up by YouTuber and author John Green in one of his most recent videos "Why I Love Makeup"

John brings in the male perspective of the social pressures against men who wear make up and for women having to wear make up. He states he likes make make up because "it feels good" and makes him happy. I know many women who wear it for the exact same reason.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to put on make up because you like it, there is nothing wrong with not wearing make up because you don't like it. The problem lies within in society of guilt-tripping us into believing it is something we must be applying to be appreciated.

In the end, who cares if they like you - as long as you like you.

To Make up or to Make down?

To make up or make down? That is the question.
Whether tis nobler in the mind
to suffer the boxes and confinements
of society's pressures to perceived beauty
or take arms against a sea of traditions
and by rebellion, end them?

To conform, to blend in,
no more; and by blend in to say we end
the erasure of diversity in a thousand natural pigments
that flesh is heir to. 'tis a revolution
devoutly to be wish'd.

To remove foundation, to risk bags under eyes;
To risk bags under eyes, aye there's the rub.
For to expose the imperfections and blemishes
what impressions may come
when we are not hidden behind a masked face,
must give us pause: there's a respect
we demand with a painted pretty face.

For who would bear the quips and scorns of others,
the oppressor's wrong, the proud woman's standing against.
The pangs of childish insecurity, pride's delay,
the acceptance in Office and the assumption
that we are the unworthy of stakes.

When she herself might her quietus make
a pretty face? Who would want her without?
To grunt and sweat is an unladylike life,
But that the dread of someone to see you without
the face society has created as your truth.
The undiscovered beauty from whose real face
no one observes, puzzles the mind
and makes us rather continue in our disguised self
that is shown off to those we know not of?

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
and thus the native hue of natural foundation
is painted over with the pale concealer and lipstick blots;
As we are encouraged to be specimens of perfection,
Though we are all imperfect and have the power to turn away
and create our own course of action.

-
Apparently I have thoughts about make up...also thanks to our man Billy S'peare and Hammy for writing the original soliloquy a couple hundred years ago

6 Problems with Having a Job You Love

Now before you all go grabbing your torches and pitchforks - hear me out...

Most twenty-somethings like me are struggling to keep any sort of employment let alone get a job doing something we can tolerate or even love. I am highly aware that I'm extremely privileged to be working a job that gives me career opportunities and experience while staying creative and open to do what I love and enjoy. I'm extremely grateful for making it where I am, and this in no way is trying to be a pity grab for attention.
That being said, As great and fantastical as a seemingly perfect job can be, it's not always sunshine and rainbows. Here's a list of some problems I have noticed with me and my job:

1. Learning to say "No"

Oh Consuela, teach me your ways.

Especially for someone looking to gain experience and constantly searching for new opportunities, it becomes a reflex to just say "yes!" to everything that comes your way.
You get on this high where everything is coming up roses and daffodils because you're doing more than just cleaning windows and sweeping (though you know you'd do it if you were told). You're in a workplace with good people and are comfortable in the space. You not only want to please everyone, but you are genuinely enjoying the work that you do. You don't want to pass up any opportunities that are sent your way for the risk of losing out on valuable experience.  
Even once you've settled in, new exciting projects come along and you just want to be part of it.

The problem here is stretching yourself too thin. Instead of taking time to focus on one or two projects, you find yourself dipping into too many without actually accomplishing much. Learning to say "no" is hard and scary, but you'll be so thankful in the long run. There will always be opportunities knocking at your door - learn to pick your battles and don't feel guilty when you have to let something go.



2. Knowing when to Quit

Exhibit A: when your job starts to define you

I don't mean your job (please don't quit your job), but rather knowing when to put things down and walk away from work. There's the old adage "Find a job you love: and you'll never work a day in your life" - bullshit. It should read "Find a job you love: and let it consume your every waking moment until you don't know who you are without it". Doing work you enjoy makes it easy to take over your life. You are more willing to work longer hours and spend more time perfecting something than if you hated what you were doing. You bring work home with you, think about it while out with friends, volunteer your time to it. It will literally become your entire life and what defines you.
While dedication is great, there still needs to be a line between work and play.

Find hobbies that require your time and attention, find something to do that doesn't allow you to think about work. Have an office job? Sit on your butt staring at a screen all day? Go outside and walk or run (without a smart phone in hand!). Work outdoors? Lifting and hauling your butt around all day? Take a break at home reading a book, watching a movie, play some video games. Work mostly by yourself? Make social dates with friends and family. Work in a super social environment? Make sure to give yourself some alone time. Counter your all encompassing work life with something completely different that doesn't allow you to convince yourself that just checking your work e-mail on your day off will just take a few seconds...

3. Burn Out

When all your sentences require zombie subtitles it's time to take a nap

Given the last two points - it is easy to work yourself into the ground without realising it. When in a constant state of GOGOGOGO! your body will work itself into overdrive until you physically can't stand up anymore. There are times when this is unavoidable with deadlines and events and emergncies, but even without those stresses you can burn yourself out in the every day both mentally and physically.

Book your time away from work and don't waiver from it. Let yourself have a nap when you get home at the end of the day, don't feel guilty about having to just take a personal health day (responsibly!). Burn out is real and can actually become chronic and truly detrimental to your health so stay mindful of your limits no matter how awesome your job can be.

4. Becoming Invaluable

The printer is jammed. Our lives are over.

This is both a problem and a virtue. I was always given the advice "If you get a job and learn how to work the photocopier/printer you will become invaluable". I wouldn't say by any means that I've mastered our hell-fury of a photocopier, but am one of only a few who will put up with trying to understand its drunk tendencies. Obviously job security does not boil down to this alone, but small things like that where you take responsibilities and are patient with tasks that frustrate others, you build up a whole stack of skills that make you invaluable.

Of course you only notice this after you take a day or two off and come back to work to find that the printer tried to explode, your web server crashed, reception is a disaster, and the basement flooded. Okay, so there was nothing you could have done about that last one - but now all the stress you just got over on your day off comes back like a freight train. You love your job and problem solving is a great exercise, but there are times where you wish you weren't so damn useful.

5. Perpetual State of "Happiness"

What do you mean it looks like I've had botox injections?

People know you love your job. People probably are sick of you talking about your job. People probably hate your job purely out of spite of you loving it so much. But as any of the previous points have made note of - you're also not constantly singing EVERYTHING IS AWESOME. Sometimes things get stressful and exhausting and it can be frustrating. So when I feel like this and someone asks "How's the job going?" my reflex is to throw on a smile and be like "Great! Wonderful! Excellent, things are great. wonderful. awesome. couldn't be better.. great." I've become masterful both at work and outside of it at throwing on a face of complete calm happiness. To the point of when someone actually is suspicious by the amount of 'greats' in my answer, its hard for me to actually acknowledge when something is really bothering me. You don't like to bad-mouth the work you do because you genuinely love it, and you don't want to sound like a hypocrite and complain.  You get stuck in this pattern of being super-happy all the time, because on the other side of things you fall into number 6.......

6. Sounding like a Whiny Bitch

I know that feel, Michael Cera.

... The flipside to number 5. Being that person that won't shut up about frivolous things. You know people who've been unemployed for over a year, you know people who hate their job but it pays well, you know people who have the worst co-workers that make life hell. These are actual serious issues in the working world. I always feel guilty after hearing their woes and then wanting to complain about the goddamn spawn-of-satan-himself photocopier that makes me want to recreate the scene from Office Space. Talk about #firstworldproblems. I feel guilty ranting when I have a crappy day because of that fear of judgement from those who may be worse off.
Let's face it though: Work is hard. No matter what you do, everyone has bad days and need to blow off steam. When I say "everything sucks" I know I'm being superfluous... everything does not indeed suck... but just let me have my moment and it will pass.

Basically, no matter how terrible or amazing your job is, there will be times where you just need to get the hell away from it. Because otherwise you will probably end up doing something wrong or something you regret.

Now excuse me while I take a blow-torch to our photocopier.
-

gifs not mine