Person X: How's school?
Me: Oh you know, a little stressful, haha.
Person X: How much longer?
Me: Just a few more weeks, lots to do in that time though.
Person X: Right, but then you'll be done!
Me: Yeah, yeah
*pregnant pause*
Person X: *leans in* But you'll be, like, done done, right?
This part always reminds me of in sixth grade when your friend is asking you if you have a crush on someone. Sure, you may like them..... but do you like like them?? It's always in a hushed tone with glances in every directions as their eyes bug out on the emphasis of implication. When I give a slight nod, it's like a mini-wave of celebration commences where we both just kind of awkwardly cheer.
And then comes the part that is dreaded by every single graduating student since universities were ever founded:
Person X: So, what's next for you?
It's cliche. Everyone hates it. And yet it pops up over and over and over. It's never with mal intent, as they are genuinely curious, but it is such a loaded question that is hard to give a simple answer.
Thus I never know what to say to this. As the conversation has popped up more and more I've tried out a few different responses:
Me: Just working for now. Happy to have a steady job.
Person X: Oh well don't work yourself too hard. You deserve some time off!
Me: I was thinking of taking some time off.
Person X: Well you best be looking out for your future! Jobs are scarce, get them while you can!
Me: I have a 5 year plan mapped out and scheduled down exactly what apartment I'll be living in and the breed of cat I'll have in 3.5 years.
Person X: Live a little! You don't have to know what you want now.
Me: I have no idea what's next.
Person X: If you've got a steady job you have time to figure it out.
Okay, so I may have exaggerated a bit, but you get the idea? It's hard to answer truthfully without making a cynical remark. They are just looking for an answer that will satisfy them, it doesn't matter what internal crisis I may or may not be having. The conversation, however it pans out usually ends with:
Person X: Oh, that's just so exciting for you!
Me (internally):
In actuality, I'm not immediately panicking about any of that future stuff. I am very privileged to have a job right now. I have worked my ass off to be where I am both with school and my career but I'm not going to put all my cards into one thing: work, travel, career, vacation. I've gone through that existential crisis the first time I went through this process and I am much more at peace with not knowing what the next four, six, eight months will bring.
Where I am finding my struggle is feeling that wave of relief and celebration that everyone else seems to exhibit when I tell them I'm finishing school.
I'm stuck in the In Between.
My classes are finished, projects submitted, exams are done. Final marks are starting to trickle in. Convocation is a month away. I can't justify celebration for myself yet. I don't think I'll be able to until the diploma is in my hand and I'm running out the doors. Maybe even then I won't feel it.
I'm waiting for the bomb to drop. Something I've forgotten. Something the school undoubtedly missed. Even if that happens, I don't even think I'd be surprised?
I left college with a sense of finality. It was a very different experience but there was a definitive End. Here and now I'm the fish at the end of Finding Nemo.
I'm waiting. For what I don't know. But I feel stuck, like there's an invisible force stopping me from moving forward. This puzzle I can't quite solve.
Any maybe that's what my existential crisis is this time. Not that the future seems so unbelievably large and intimidating, but that I'm letting go of something that has been with me for close to 20 years of my life. School and education, as mind-numbingly infuriating and stressful as those years were, have been a place of comfort and familiarity. I've ventured out into the 'real world' and am excited to do so again but first must go through the In Between of a past to a future.
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