I will be making a post about my week without social media and all the interesting comments about that, but I feel I needed to focus this one merely on one aspect of my media detox that was expected to a point, but impacted me more than I could have imagined.
I want you to think of one of your all time favourite songs. A song that has impacted you, a song that makes you smile, a song you can dance to - what ever you like. I want you to go to your music player or youtube and find that song. Play it. Close your eyes, and let the melody take over your world, let the harmonies reach into your soul, let the beat became your heartbeat.
Now imagine that song being plucked from your life. You'll never be able to hear it again. All you have is the memory of it etched in your mind. Never again will your ears hear those vibrations that resonate with you so deeply.
That was my week.
I know that may sound a tad over the top, but I don't think I fully comprehended music's constant impact in my life until I didn't have it anymore.
I realized I use music to judge my sense of time. I know that I can
listen to 3 songs in the morning between when my alarm goes off and when
I need to leave. I know that between 5 and 8 songs can last my drive to
school. A playlist of about 15 songs can cover my break between classes
and that an instrumental playlist is the perfect background to studying
or writing notes. I can pump myself up with the radio's Top 20
countdown for a few hours that is needed to clean my room and do
laundry. I can set a sleep timer of 20 minutes of music to lull me to
sleep at night.
When we have it we take it for granted. Oh just a few songs on the radio, or our favourite playlist - I'm sure I can live without Mumford & Sons for a few days. But to wake up to silence, to drive in silence, to work in silence - it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my life.
It affected me on a psychological level I had not expected. Even though I was sleeping more, I woke up tired with no motivation. My driving became erratic, I sped and got distracted easier than I'm confident in admitting. I couldn't focus on my work, thus becoming further agitated and frustrated. At home I had no motivation to be productive and the emptiness of the air sent me spiraling downwards.
I had planned a week of activities and cleaning and over all rebooting of my life, but it suddenly all felt pointless and unachievable. It felt like there was a physical door between me and productivity and the only key to unlock the door was some form of music.
I tried to substitute by humming to myself and creating playlists in my head, but I often lost lyrics or tunes became jumbled. I played the piano which helped ease any pent up anxiety, but could only help so long as I was playing. As soon as I stopped I returned to a state of unease.
As much as I value how deep my connection is with music, it does worry me that I rely so heavily on it. I don't know if it's something that is a healthy aid or if I use it as a crutch. I found myself excusing my lack of activity because I didn't have music. As silly as it sounds, it felt like the genuine truth. I felt crippled because of the constant deafening silence.
I realized how much time I spend on my own with music as a constant form of company. Many of my closest friends live far away and with communication to them practically cut off, I couldn't rely on my invisible one to hold me up.
My mood has always been directly correlated with the music I surround myself with - almost anyone can relate to that. We listen to upbeat music when we are happy or want to cheer our selves up, we play quiet acoustic songs for times of focus or reflection, pop music for dancing or socializing. Without these options, I couldn't properly judge my moods or change the funk I was in.
I wanted to be motivated, happy, inspired, encouraged - but the enveloping silence seemed to shackle me in a dark place.
When I woke up this morning I didn't grab my computer and open iTunes as I thought I would. I rolled out of bed and got up and found myself at the piano once again. I wanted nothing more than to just fill my world with sound but I couldn't bring myself to even turn on the radio. I started to play, letting my mind wander over the chords, arpeggios and crescendos. I think I was scared. I wanted the silence to end, but didn't know how to handle a reintroduction without falling into a relapse of reliance.
As I write this, I am blasting A Great Big World as a way to reverse a week of melancholy, but I think I will need to ease my ears back into this world. I feel relief but also a sense that maybe I need to rethink how I handle my silences and my music in moderation.
In the mean time, hello iTunes my friend, it's nice to see you again.
Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. - Berthold Auerbach
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